The Night We Met

If I had to pick my weakest moments throughout this divorce, it would be when I am driving alone in my car. Unfortunately my commute is anywhere from one hour to two depending on traffic. I used to love my commute, or any time I was able to drive on my own. I blast music and float back and forth between singing my lungs out, and letting my mind wander. Usually when I drive, I come up with some of my best lesson plans, or daydream about my day.

Now my car time has gone from a relaxing ride of genius teachable moments and daily anecdotes to a roller coaster of emotion. One moment I'm rising up thinking about the way Logan brushes my hair behind my ear with his thumb. The next, I fall as a memory of Ben brings me crashing down. The other day, on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about the night we met. I kept imagining the "adorable" way we would tell people our story. It would always start something like this...

"So how did you two meet?" 

Ben and I would share a secluded smile. He'd wrap his arm around my waist and pull me into his side, "I always love the way you tell it best."

I'd smile up at his 6'2" frame and then turn to our audience and begin, "Well it's funny because both of us almost didn't go out that night. We have our friends to thank for talking us into going to the bar." 

"Except Alan," Ben would laugh, "He's still bitter I got your number and he didn't!"

"We were at McGuire's. You know that Irish? It was karaoke night. Ben and I were making eye contact all night, and I could tell he was really shy. At one point, I smiled at him and and he looked behind him to see who I was smiling at." Ben would blush charmingly as everyone chuckled. 

"Finally, he starts to walk toward me. When he reaches my table, he touches my shoulder," I mimic his gesture from that night,"and says, 'Excuse me.' Then he literally pushes me to the side heads into the bathroom."

Ben cuts in, "I was so nervous I totally bottled it; I couldn't even speak to her!" Again, everyone chuckles.

"I had to leave at midnight to meet my cousin. So I walk up to him, Introduce myself and say, 'Hi, I'm Penelope. I have to go, but I am going to give you my phone number.' He was so flustered, it was adorable. I couldn't understand him with his accent. He even had to show me his ID so I could figure out what his name was. Then he started asking me things like, 'What do you do for a living?' and I was like, 'Okay, it was nice to meet you. Bye!' and then I left."

Ben would lean towards the crowd and stage whisper, "I called her later that night."

"And the rest is history," I would finish.

 It's funny how a moment that once felt as if all its parts crashed together in an act of fate can end up becoming just another story you'll never tell again. Sometimes when I get these thoughts, I let them rule me for a few miles. I cry, I let the pain well up. Sometimes I just try to think of something else. Like the other day at school.. 

Some of my female students were saying they thought Michelle Obama was such an awesome woman for saying, "“If I had worried about who liked me and who thought I was cute when I was your age, I wouldn’t be married to the President of the United States today.” I was pretty dismayed to hear my bright students praise that notion.

That quote is detrimental for young women to hear. In one sentence, Michelle Obama manages to define her life by her husband's success. It's wonderful that she is working towards inspiring young girls to focus more on their education than on romance. However, I have to ask, instead of ending that quote with her spouse's merit why couldn't she have said, "I wouldn't be a lawyer, and an activist who advocates for poverty awareness, higher education, and healthy living. I wouldn't have impacted the world,"? Isn't her own success reason enough to focus on education and learning?

Does anyone else have these moments when they lose control of their brain and it wanders at will (It happens to me in the shower sometimes too)?

It's Just So Loud In Here

Hello All, 

Sorry for the delayed post! Work has been extra EXTRA crazy. This post is much longer to make up for it, and I have Ben flashback nearly ready which will be up in the next couple of days. I can't really promise a set posting schedule at this point, but you should be able to expect 1 to 2 posts a week. I hope you enjoy!

-Penelope

______________________________________________________________

Finally, after about 9:30, Lila is on long island number 6. She enthusiastically shouts, “Let’s go to Pablo’s for karaoke!” We pay our tabs, pack up our things and hop in my car. In anticipation of a good night, Lila and I blast Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop all the way to the bar. As we pull into the lot, I notice Logan’s car isn’t there yet. I text him,

me: Hey, you coming to karaoke? :)

We go inside and get settled with drinks. Lila and I break it down to the DJ's rendition of "I like big butts". After we're done shakin' our thangs, I check my phone to see if Logan wrote back, but there is no response.

For a moment, my stomach sinks. Lila looks at me looking at my phone. Her friends Laurena, Rich, and another girl I don’t know walk through the door and Lila screams, “LET’S DO SHOTS!”

I chuckle, “I can’t I’m driving.” Lila looks wounded, but drags Laurena to the bar. Rich introduces me to the new girl, “This is my friend Sheila,” he gives a sly grin and gestures towards me, “This is Greatness.”

I smile, and lean forward to take Sheila’s hand, “I prefer to go by God.” We all just look at each other for a moment, and burst into laughter. Rich says let’s join the others, and heads towards a crowded table. Instead I head back onto the dance floor where Laurena and Lila are going crazy over a girl who is belting I Believe in a Thing Called Love by Neil Diamond.  She’s wearing a Freddy Kreuger-esque dress, with thick red and navy blue stripes. I’ve never seen her before, but she looks like a little rock imp with her petite frame, golden waves, and big green eyes. When she finishes her song, Laurena, Lila and I go nuts cheering. Lila’s friend, James, comes running over, and I think he’s going to hug Lila. He adores redheads and calls Lila his “wife.” Instead he rushes past her scoops the Freddy Kreuger imp into his arms and and swings her around as she laughs and throws her head back. Lila shrieks, “WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER?”  James laughs and says, “Sorry wife! That was just such an awesome performance.” He gives everyone a hug and introduces the Krueger imp as Melody. She is the perfect amount of attitude and sweetness, an approachable bad-ass.

We all head outside to smoke, well I don’t smoke, but I go to keep an eye on Lila. I’m not sure how many drinks she has had at this point, but I know she will be hurting tomorrow. She plops down on the steps out front and asks, “How much is half of your rent.”

Smiling I gently say, ‘I’m really okay Lila, I can afford it.”

“I was just thinking I could move in with you! It would be wonderful.” She squints for a moment, “Or terrible, but probably the best.”

I laugh, “It’s a one bedroom!”

Now she’s starting to giggle maniacally, “We can cuddle! We should totally do it!”

I grab her by the hand and pull her to her feet, “I tell you what. I’ll think about it,” but I have no intention of sharing a one bedroom with her, or anyone for that matter. After living with a slob for a little over a year I am going to enjoy my newfound space.

As we head inside Lila whips her head around and whispers, “Where’s Logan?”

I sigh, I was trying not to think about it, and wondering why it bothered me so much. “I’m not sure, I texted him when we got here, but I haven’t heard back.”

Lila frowns for a moment and then excuses herself to the bathroom while Melody and James join me at the table. I didn’t see before, but as Melody reaches over to ruffle James’ dark hair I notice his eyes are a deep clear blue. For a moment he looks serious, but his firm mouth gives away into a grin as he says, “Welcome to the divorce club.”

I sputter into my drink. Melody and James laugh. As she hands me a napkin Melody says, “Lila told us, or maybe I should say the Long Islands told us.”

I smile, what else can I do? “It’s okay, it’s not really like I’m hiding it.”

James folds his hands and says, “Seriously, I’ve been divorced for about a year now. I know what you’re going through if you need someone to talk to.”

At that moment Lila waltzes back over to our table. Smugly she says, “Check your phone.”

“What have you done?” I say, as a pit forms in my stomach. I quickly pull out my phone. I have three texts.

Logan: Hey, are you okay?

Logan: I’m coming :)

Logan: Be there in 5, hope you’re okay.

“What did you say to him?” I’m glaring at Lila, but she is too thrilled with herself to notice. Even though I have no idea what Lila had to say to get him to come I can’t help, but feel a little chill of excitement. I’m trying to decide if/how I should respond to his texts when the karaoke DJ calls my name. The DJ is a friend of mine, he actually was the DJ at our wedding. I’m not sure if he knows what’s going on, but he gives me a hug with a little extra squeeze as he passes me the mic.

Tonight I am singing Celine Dion’s It’s All Coming Back to Me Now. I am actually a pretty good singer. You know Pitch Perfect? Well that was my nerd life in high school, I was in 8 girl an acapella group called the sweethearts. I definitely miss having an outlet where I can sing. I think that’s why I love karaoke so much.

I’ve had just enough alcohol for my nerves to turn into excited energy. As I sing I feel charged, the music is rising; it’s like the lights have gone up.

“There were nights when the wind was so cold

That my body nearly froze in bed

If I just listened to it

Right outside the window”    

I see Ben’s face on New Year’s Eve. His brogue thick as he drunkenly curses at me on the stroke of midnight.

“There were moments of gold

And there were flashes of light

There were things I'd never do again

But then they'd always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure

It was more than any laws allowed”

I can smell his cologne. It’s the first night we moved into our apartment. Our pillow fort topples over us as we roll on the floor from laughter.

“But you were history with the slamming of the door

And I made myself so strong again somehow

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then”

My chest is tight. I see his face. It’s passive as I say, “I want a divorce.”

“Then we see what we want to see

All coming back to me

The flesh and the fantasies

All coming back to me

I can barely recall

But it's all coming back to me now”

I force the echo of Ben’s smile from mind mind and the room comes into focus.

Logan is standing about 5 feet away from me , staring. He must have came during the middle of my song, I was so into it I didn’t even notice he had arrived with his cousin Pete in tow. Logan looks good. He is wearing tan corduroys, and a turquoise button down (my favorite color). I don’t normally go for beards, but it works on Logan, even though I tease him about it mercilessly. He has freckles across his cheekbones, and his hair is dark auburn brown, but his beard is full on ginger over a strong jaw line.  

Melody cheers, rushes over and hugs me. “I did not know you could sing like that! We so need to talk music sometime. I used to be the lead singer in a punk band.”

I grin at her, I still feel like my blood is buzzing from singing, “That’s so cool! I’d love to do a duet sometime!”

Logan steps towards us and introduces himself to Melody. Then he leans into me for a hug and whispers into my ear, “That was incredible.” I shiver a little. He studies me for a moment and asks, “Are you okay? Lila said you seemed really bummed tonight and that I should come cheer you up.”

I silently curse Lila while smiling, “I’m good, I had a weird situation with Bobby’s father earlier.” I briefly recap my crying stint at the Lake Bar.

Logan’s eyes are glowering, “I just don’t get some people. I mean really, what an asshole. I’m glad you’re okay now though,” he tugs at the hem of my dress. “Want to go outside for a minute?”

He doesn’t wait for a response, he gently places his hand at the small of my back and starts guiding me towards the door. My face is still heated from singing; we’re just about to reach the door when Laurena pushes in between us and giggles, “Where are we going?” She loops her arm around Logan’s waist and is now trying to tickle him with her other hand. She’s giggling again as Logan sighs and says, “We were just going outside to smoke.” Laurena eyes light up as she says, “Don’t worry Penny. I know you don’t smoke. I’ll go outside with Logan since it’s a little chilly.”

Logan starts to say something, but I cut him off and say, “No worries, I’ll catch up with you later.” Logan had told me a few weeks ago that he and Laurena had hooked up once a couple of weeks ago. She just got out of a really messy on-again, hopefully off for good relationship and she clearly wanted to flirt with Logan tonight. More power to her, I understand wanting to have fun after a serious relationship ends. I’m also not really the type to throw myself at a guy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy flirting, but I prefer to use humor and wit. I think it’s so sexy when a guy can keep up.

I head over to Melody and James who are dancing like nuts, well really Melody is floating and twirling around James while he does the Will Smith “ Hitch” dance in one place. You know, arms bent at 90 degree angles at the elbow while  he shuffles from one foot back to the other. Melody points at me with her index finger and curls it towards herself. I laugh and shimmy over to her. Dancing with them is hysterical. I am pretty sure Melody is just doing her best to embarrass James and I quickly join in on the fun; adding my own rendition of the “Sprinkler, “Grocery Shopping”, and some pretty sick disco moves.

As we’re dancing I glance out the window and see both Lila and Laurena clinging to Logan. I see Lila grab his butt as he jumps away from her. Now I know Lila has had too much to drink, and I’m glad Bobby isn’t here, or maybe I’m not. I don’t know if she would act that way if he were. I watch as Laurena giggles and pokes Logan in the stomach, he looks a little uncomfortable and I debate going outside “to save” him. Melody grabs my hand and spins me. I laugh, and go back to dancing. I’m here to have fun and Logan is not my responsibility.  

Think of the devil, a few moments later Logan is whispering in my ear asking if I’d like a drink. I smile and say, “I’d prefer a song! You and Pete should do a duet.”

Pete, who is standing nearby, holds up a karaoke slip, “Done,” he grins. Logan again asks if I’d like to go outside so we can talk, “IT’S JUST SO LOUD IN HERE,” he shouts. I nod and we walk outside. Sheila is standing by the door on her phone. She is grimacing and cussing at her phone.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Sheila looks up, “It’s nothing, my ex is just booty texting me, and I’m like you’re not even good for sex.”

I don’t really know what to say so I just nod like I know exactly how she’s feeling, “That’s the worst.”

“Like I can get sex whenever I want. I have someone for that.” She holds her pack of cigarettes out to me, and says, “So are you two dating?”

Logan and I eye each other nervously and laugh, “No,” he says.

“Fuck buddies then?” She lights her cigarette.

Now Logan and I are avoiding eye contact, again, Logan says, “No.”

“So you two just want to do each other, but haven’t yet?”

I laugh nervously and say, “Well that’s awkward.” Luckily it pathetic joke eases the tension that has built. Sheila goes back to looking at her phone. Logan tilts his head towards the door to go inside. I grin and lead the way.

 The rest of the time at the bar is a blur of Logan trying to talk to me, Laurena and Lila interrupting him, dancing, and listening to  Logan and Pete sing Red Hot Chili Peppers, laughing with Melody, and drunken Lila hugs.

All of a sudden it’s last call, and I’m waiting for Lila to close out her tab. Logan is waiting too. The three of us head out to our cars. Lila is being a goof ball. She’s got her sunglasses on and she’s dancing to country music on her phone. Lila and country are a new pairing that I never thought would happen, but Bobby turned her on to it. Logan and I are leaning next to each other against his car, arms slightly touching. We alternate between laughing at Lila and looking at the stars.

Finally, I start to feel a little antsy. I’m not sure what we’re doing, or why I’m getting uncomfortable so I say, “Well, I should get Lila home.”

Logan hesitates for a moment, and says, “Okay, make sure you get home safe.” We hug, and then I get Lila into my car. As we’re driving away Lila says, “I s Logan coming over?”

I look at her like she’s crazy and say, “No you psycho!”

“OH MY GOD CALL HIM! CALL HIM!” She shouts as she whips out her phone taps it a few times, and shoves it at me. It’s calling Logan.

“Lila?” He asks.

“No, Sorry, it’s Penny. Lila dialed you and passed you off.” He chuckles and Lila and scream whispering next to the phone, “INVITE HIM TO MY HOUSE.”

“Ummmm”

“Yes?” Logan chuckles.

“Do you want to come hang out at Lila’s?”

He pauses for a moment, “Sure, I’ll see you there.”

When we get to Lila’s house things get really awkward really fast. Lila has gone from happy drunk to sad/mad drunk in about 2 seconds flat. She starts talking about how Bobby doesn’t fulfill her sexually. I’m not surprised, I’ve heard her say it before, but I was surprised when she brought up the time  Logan and Lila hooked up about a year ago. I knew about that also, but she started to get a little mean. She just kept saying he didn’t make her orgasm at all. I try to get her to go to bed, but my attempts are futile. After an eternity, or 10 minutes in real time Lila decides she’s hungry. We go into the kitchen and eat our fill of gummies, and Scottish shortbread cookies. Both of these things remind me of Ben.

Lila has switched gears again, and we begin laughing easily and having mini food fights. All of a sudden Lila yawns theatrically, and says, “I’m going to bed. Please feel free to stay here and hang out.” She sashays around the kitchen island and gives me a hug. She then turns to Logan, hugs him. They have an awkward moment where he thinks she’s about to kiss his cheek, he turns his head one way and she twists hers the other. The she pushes his face towards her and gives him an open mouth kiss. I look down at my hands and realize my fists are tightened, I consciously uncurl my fingers.

Logan stares at me for a minute, “Wow, that was really awkward.”

I laugh, “Yeah, that got pretty weird for a minute.”

He shrugs, “Yeah well you know how Lila is.” He brushes a couple of cookie crumbs off the counter, “Can I ask you a question.”

I put my elbows on the counter and rest my head in my hands, “Shoot.”

“Why did you invite me over here tonight?”

I blush a little and say, “I didn’t, Lila did,” He rolls his eyes. Realizing my first strategy wasn’t working I ask, “Why did you come over?”

“Uh-uh, I asked first!” I lock my lips and grin evilly. “Okay,” he says, “I’ll tell you if you promise to answer too.” I nod my head in agreement. His eyes travel to my lips for a moment, I swallow hard and I know he noticed because now he’s eyeing my throat. “I just wanted to spend more time with you tonight. I really enjoy hanging out with you.”

I smile, “That’s why I wanted you to come over.”

We’re silent...FOREVER, or long enough for it to be really uncomfortable.

Logan and I start to speak at the same time, I mumble, “Sorry, go ahead.”

He says, “No, I was just going to say that you seemed like you wanted to say something.”

He’s watching my throat again. I swallow. I can’t believe what’s about to come out of my mouth.

“I was thinking about what Sheila said.”

His eyes travel slowly back up to mine, “What do you mean?”

“About us being fuck buddies,” I look down.

Logan has gone stiff. I’ve blown it. I’ve not only misread the situation, I’ve made a really good friend uncomfortable. He says, “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, “Well, I’m just getting divorced. Me neither.” We both fidget uncomfortable. Logan stands up abruptly and sighs frustratedly. “Why are you bringing this up tonight?” He is rubbing his hands over his eyes until they rest on his temples.

“I-I-... Well mostly because of what Sheila said.” He seems really distraught and I feel like throwing up. I’ve never even tried to engage in this type of thing before. My stomach is in a freefall and I feel lost. I’m not even sure where this came from, “Just forget it. I’m sorry. Can we please pretend I didn’t bring it up?”

He looks at me sharply, his eyes are dark with intensity, “I just didn’t expect this tonight, why didn’t you just make a move instead of asking?”

I shrug. How can I say, “It’s been four years since I have had to make a move. Oh! and lets not forget that for the greater part of a year my husband and I have barely had any sex.”

His eyes are still intently on my face, “Maybe we should try kissing,” he says as he wets his lips.

I stand slowly. We haltingly move towards each other and I think oh god, why is this painfully awkward. I lightly touch his chest, and he cups his hand behind my ear. He leans forwards and at first our lips are softly touching. Next thing I know our hands are everywhere and anywhere. His mouth is hot on mine. He grabs a handful of my hair and tips my head back and gently nips and kisses my neck. I literally have been hit by electricity. Even my fingertips feel alive.

We break apart, both breathing heavily. “Wow,” I rasp, “I wish that sucked.”

Logan laughs, “Me too,” he grins and I feel electric again, “Want to go back to my place?”

I can’t believe I’m doing this, and for a moment I falter. “I’m not sure. I think I need more time before I have sex with you.”

He sighs, “I’m not trying to pressure you, and honestly I don’t even know if we should be doing this, but when you say that it makes me think you want a relationship. It makes me nervous.”

Somehow that builds my resolve. I take him by the hand and lead him to his car. We begin making out heavily. He pushes my back for a moment, and the rough gesture lights me on fire.

He takes in my appearance and halfs moans, “Oh god that red dress.” I grin, he says, “Look, let’s just go back to my place. I don’t even know if I want to have sex with you, but I know I want to at least be in bed in our underwear.” Even though he lives with his parents we head to his place because he lives much closer. I feel like a teenager again as we sneak up to his room. Silently we strip down to our underwear and crawl into his bed. It’s hard to tell in the dim light, but his comforter and sheets are some kind of silvery cream color and they feel as silky as they look. He says, “Let’s just cuddle for a few minutes.” I nod as he begins to run his hands up and down my body, leaving sizzling trails over my thighs, stomach, shoulders, and back. He gently kisses my throat. He is looking at me like I am the only thing on the planet, it’s scary and intense. I shudder as his fingers flutter over my hip. He kisses me deeply, parting my lips with his tongue. When he pulls away he says, “I want you.”

I whisper, “I’m not sure if we should do this.”

“Why not?” he asks as he traces his finger from my ear lobe down to my nipple. I gasp, he kisses me. His eyes are all-consuming.

“I just don’t think you’re sure you want to do this. I think you’re just turned on, and I don’t want to be a regret.” I moan softly as he dips his fingers over the edge of my underwear and slides them off of my body. T

He moves between my legs and just as he is about to enter me he says, “I have bad timing, but maybe we shouldn’t do this. I mean, I really like having you as a friend, and I know I’m not with Melanie, but I still feel like I’m betraying her.”

I throw my hands above my head in exasperation, “You have the WORST timing,” I whisper vehemently; at the same time he pushes into me. My body reacts instantly, my hips move with his, he tugs my hair and kisses me hard, everything is exquisite. It doesn’t take long for us both to climax. We lay there for a little while, smiling and whispering to each other.

I glance at the clock and see it’s 5:00 am, “I should go,” I whisper into his ear.

“You should sleep over,” he nuzzles my neck, and tightens his hold on me.

“I can’t, I don’t want your parents to know I’m here. I wouldn’t anyway, but especially not since they think I’m married.”

He sighs, “You’re right.” He slowly gets up and starts to put his clothes on.

I start collecting my clothes from the floor, “You don’t have to walk me out.”

“Don’t be dumb,” he smiles and pinches my cheek.

Once we’re both dressed he walks me to his front door, and gives me a hug. I hesitate for a moment and say, “If we’re going to do this, should we have rules?” I feel like bad cliche in a movie, but I genuinely think it’s a good idea.

Logan chuckles, “Like what?”

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t cuddle. No sleeping over, I can walk myself out. That kind of stuff.”

Logan thought about what I said for a moment. I could tell he was really rolling it around in his mind, seeing how the idea tasted. He pinches my butt and says, “Nah, I like cuddling with you, and I think it’s just polite to walk someone out.”

I’m not really sure what to think, I’ve never been in this situation before and it’s late, or really early so I just say, “Okay, have a good day.” Logan gives me a peck on the cheek and watches me walk towards my car. As I unlock my door I look back. Logan smiles and waves. I smile and get into my car. I turn on the radio and start to head home. I can’t help but replay the night over in my mind. I just hope that Logan meant it when he said he wouldn’t regret it.  

The Golden Couple

Do you ever have one of those weeks at work that feels like you’re sprinting a marathon every. single. day? Well that’s how my job has been since the start of this school year. I am in my second year of teaching high school in a specialized urban program. I can't tell you too much about the specifics, or I might give away my identity, but I have summer contracts on top of regular school year contracts, and our programs are intra-curricular meaning that we stay after school, a lot.  

This past summer our Program Coordinator left us for another general education position because the workload was too much for him. This is the man, or should I say control freak, who built this program for the past ten years and kept every single card close to his chest. I had a moment of temporary insanity this summer and applied for the position. Now, I am the coordinator in only my second year teaching. To put it in perspective, they wanted someone with five years teaching experience and an administrator certification. I have neither. I also am now the supervisor of three other teachers who all have 3 plus years of experience on me, and 1 secretary who is literally twice my age. My first day on the job my supervisor told me the last coordinator did everything on his own, and if I needed help he wouldn't be able to give it.

Lastly, I am teaching 3 new classes, and in addition to my lab space from last year (which doubles as one of our major fundraisers), I have taken on 3 new lab spaces that involve the care of living things. Don't get me wrong, I love this position, and I feel so blessed to have earned this opportunity. I knew it would be stressful going in, but I just can’t wait for the time when I don’t feel like I'm just treading water, sputtering around, trying not to drown.

Part of the reason I applied for this position was because I have wanted this from day one. The moment I walked through the doors I was hooked. I just thought I’d have  five years or so before the promotion became available. When I first heard our coordinator was leaving, I wasn't going to apply. Then I thought, why would I close the door on opportunity just because it opened a little earlier than I expected? The other reason is because of a quote that came to me in form of "inspiration of the day" at the restaurant where I waitressed this past summer. “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” It struck a deep chord within me, and ever since I read it, I have been trying my best to live on the other side.

Needless to say, after a hectic week I cherish my weekends and this Friday was no different. I am a self-proclaimed karaoke junkie who is not ready to accept help for my addiction. I go almost every week. Tonight I'm meeting my friend Lila at the Lake Bar at 7:00, and then we are going to head to over to a tiny Mexican restaurant/bar called Pablo’s for karaoke around 9:00. After perusing my closet for a few moments, I pull my favorite red plaid skater dress over my head, and do my best to ignore the fact that I had bought it with Ben in mind. I touch up my dark smokey eye, voluminous waves, and slide on a black belt and black lace heels. My outfit is my armor tonight, I'm hoping I've pulled off a tough yet sexy look. I give myself a final once over in the mirror taking in my dark hair, brown eyes and curvy 5’3’’ frame. Sighing, I can't but think of the twenty pounds I had gained this past year. As I turned to the side and tug at my dress, I glare at my image in the mirror and silently chide myself. I've been going to the gym and focusing on being healthy, it shouldn't be just about losing weight. I look good. Why would I bring myself down before the night even begins?

It's just after 7:00 as I walk into the Lake Bar. Never having been before, it took me a moment to find Lila. She wasn’t too hard to spot with her brilliant red hair and stunning green eyes. She looks beautiful in a simple black summer dress and black flip flops. Lila is one of the most loyal people I know, but she is also the craziest. Her wild nature is one of the best things about her. She was sitting at a table with her boyfriend Bobby and a group of people I didn't know. Bobby is a reserved whisper compared to Lila’s vibrant roar, definitely opposites in a way that mostly compliments each other, but sometimes ruptures them. Bobby’s parents, Larry and Kendra were there, plus some of their friends. 

Lila hangs out with an eclectic crowd; her friends a can be a little quirky. Spending time with Lila is truly like a box of chocolates. You never know if you're going to get an older crowd, a world wanderer, someone with blue hair, or her cooky, lovable family, but when I see her I know I am going to have a good time with interesting people.

As soon as I get to the table, Lila envelops me in a hug, quickly introduces me to Bobby’s parents and then whisks me away to get drinks. As we walk towards the bar I take in my surroundings. The place is beautiful, it’s literally on the lake (hence the name “the Lake Bar”), and all of the tables are on a wooden deck over the water with fairy lights strung all over the beams of the dark wood. The bar is under an overhang, and the decor feels like riding in a boat. Lila orders a long island, and I go for an Angry Orchard.

As the bartender busies himself making our drinks Lila turns to me and says, “Spill it.” I cringe and nervously tuck my hair behind my ear as she continues, “What is going on, I’ve seen some weird posts from Ben on Facebook lately.”

I sigh and say, “Okay, I have something to tell you,”

Lila’s eyes bug out of her head as she clutches my arm and blurts, “OH MY GOD YOU HAD SEX WITH LOGAN!”

“Oh my god!” I hiss, “Keep your voice down! You know I would never cheat on Ben! Logan and I are just friends.”

She has the grace to give me a sheepish smile and says, “I’m sorry." She slips the bartender her card, "What is it then?”

The bartender hands us our drinks and I take a long pull to buy myself some time. “Ben and I are getting divorced.” Lila’s mouth hangs open, I smile and gently close it with one finger before continuing, “He is transgender and he really feels like a she.” Her mouth immediately drops open again. She quickly pulls me to a more private table away from the others. I tell her all the nitty gritty details. By the time I finish her eyes are brimming with tears.

“I am just so angry and hurt for you. He should have told you sooner! He never should have married you!” She reaches across the table, gives my hand a squeeze and asks, “What are you going to do now? Where is he living? Are you going to move back home?”

“I’m just going to throw myself in this new position. I am going to stay in the apartment."

Lila quickly interrupts, "Can you afford it?" 

I sigh, "Things will be a little tight now, but I’ve paid all of the rent this past year anyway. I'll just take over the electric and internet, and cancel the cable. Plus, I don't really have a choice, we just re-signed the lease a couple of months ago. Ben certainly can't afford it on his own. He is trying to move out, but for now he is on the couch. It’s pretty awkward.”

“Wow.” Lila jams a cigarette into her mouth and struggles to light it for a moment. After a deep puff she says, “I just can’t believe it. I mean, I noticed things have been a little off for you two lately. When we went to New York, he wasn't up your butt as much as he usually is." Another puff, "I just can’t believe that fucker. I mean I used to wish I would find what you and Ben had.”

I plaster on a smile. Smiles are quickly becoming my first line of defense against the tears, “I know," I say as I shake my head. "We used to be the golden couple.”

Lila frowns, “How can you be SO CALM!? I am pissed at what he’s done to you! God, every moment you have is tarnished. How many times did he look at you in a dress and wish it were him? What the hell! Was he crying on your wedding day because he wished he was the one in a white dress? It’s just not fair. I just...I just feel so hurt for you.”

Now it’s my turn to reach across the table and take her hand, I don’t mention that her anger, her hurt has reverberated through me. Up until this point I have felt almost indifferent to him, but I’d never thought about him being envious of my wedding dress. I take another sip of my cider to collect my thoughts and say, “I’ve had more time to come to terms with it, and I think he just had a hard time coming to terms with who he is. It’s not like he did this to me. I was just a byproduct.”

Lila shakes her head vigorously, “That’s bullshit and you know it! He did it to you when he married you.” I look down at my cider and say nothing. I can’t. “Listen,” she says, “If you need anything, and I mean anything, let me know. Even if it’s just to get away, you can always sleep at my house. Now, lets try to get your mind off things and get you drunk!”

I laugh, and say, “Thanks, but I drove here, and I’m not sure alcohol is the best thing for me right now. Let's head back to our table.”

“Before we go, I have one more question,” she grinds her cigarette into the ashtray. “Do you like Logan? Does he like you? I wouldn’t blame you if you did want to start dating. In my eyes your marriage is completely over.”

I say, “That’s two questions,” but her questions pull me into to a conversation Logan and I had the other day on a hike.

Walking side by side, we come to a gap in the trees. Stopping for a moment, we take in the view of the river. I’m watching the sunlight filter through the leaves when Logan turns to me and says, “I am really glad we started hanging out. I feel like we just have this connection, like you understand me. I’ve really needed a friend lately, especially since Melanie and I broke up. I wish I could just stop loving her, but I can't. I really appreciate having you to talk to about it.”

I smile, “I feel the same way too.” Logan gives me a cheesy grin, I laugh and say, “What?”

“This is going to sound stupid, but,” He laughs to himself, “I heard something like this in a show I was watching the other day- It’s like we’ve met in all our past lives." He turns towards me, "Maybe that’s why we’re so comfortable with each other in this one.”

Lila huffs, and I snap back to the present, “Okay, okay!” I say, “We have a connection. I like him, and I think he might like me, but we’re happy being friends. It’s too soon for me, and he is still in love with Melanie. It’s just not the right timing, and I’m really happy being friends with him.”

She gives me a mischievous grin and says, “Alright, let’s head back towards everyone else.” I don’t like her smile so I give her a warning look, as I get up from the table.

When we get back to the main group, everyone is laughing and joking. It’s nice to be immersed in such a positive atmosphere. Casually, Lauren mentions an anecdote from our recent trip to New York.

Taking a sip of her third Long Island as she says, “Bobby, Penelope, Penny’s husband, and I all went to New York city last month. We’re sitting in this booth at a restaurant and all of a sudden Penelope turns her head to the corner of the booth and mutters, ‘I hope my mash potatoes are good.’ We were dying.”

Everyone laughs and Bobby adds, “Almost every time we go out to dinner we talk about mash potatoes to the corner!” Everyone snickers, except for Larry. For some reason, Larry has locked eyes with me.

“You’re married?” He asks, I fidget and nod my head. “You just look so young.”

Lila’s head snaps in my direction. I can see her worry from the corner of my eye. I smile uncomfortably and  say, “Yeah, I'm 26.”

I think he’s going to let it go, but he just keeps asking questions about Ben. “What does he do for a living? How long have you been married? Do you have your own place? What did you do for your anniversary?”

I patiently answer his questions. I'm hoping if I don't draw attention to my discomfort his weird curiosity will be satisfied and he'll quit his inquisition. Finally, I just can’t anymore. I politely say, “I'm sorry, but we are actually separated. I’d really rather not talk about him anymore.”

I start to turn towards Lila, thinking that would be the end of the conversation, but Larry says, “After only a year? Do you love him? Does he still love you?”

I begin smiling so hard my cheeks are going numb, “Yes, but there is no going back for us. Sometimes that’s just not enough.”

"How long were you together?"

I frown, "Four years."

"That's a long time to give up." He's giving me an intense stare, and I'm starting to feel warm.

"Sometimes it's just better to end things."

His leathery skin crinkles at the eyes as he says, “You can’t mean that!” He leans forward with his hands folded in front of him. I stay silent, he takes that as his cue to continue. “Where did you go for your honeymoon?”

I squint and say, “Vegas.”

“Okay,” he leans slightly further towards me, “Who chose it?”

“Him.”

“Did he enjoy it?”

I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. MAYBE HE WAS JUST WITH ME TO GET A GREEN CARD. MAYBE HE DID BECAUSE HE COULD DRINK FOR FREE AT THE TABLES. MAYBE HE FAKED IT THE WHOLE TIME. MAYBE IT WAS THE BEST WEEK OF HIS LIFE, BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER NOW?” Instead I murmur, “He seemed to. I really can’t talk about this anymore.” My eyes are burning.

“Of course he did, do you know why?” Larry is giving me a warm smile, like he’s solved it, “He was with you.”

I burst into tears. My face is hot with embarrassment. I hate crying in front of anyone except for my mom, and ironically Ben, and now here I am in front of a packed restaurant snot-nosed bawling. I get up from the table and rush to the bathroom. I feel like everyone is staring as I navigate through the crowd. Finally I make it to the bathroom. Thank god there is no one in there. I let out three to four sobs, and then start pulling myself together. Breathe in. Breathe out. in. out. Lila walks in as I am frantically breathing and splashing water on my face. She starts rubbing my back and, says, “I am so sorry. I didn’t even think about mentioning Ben. Larry means well, he really does. Sometimes he does that to me too. He thinks he’s helping, but he just doesn’t know when to quit.”

My racking sobs have turned into muted sniffles and I am clearing the running make up off of my face. I say, “It’s okay, I know he meant well. I thought I could keep it together. It's just...” I sigh frustrated, I do not want to start crying again. 

Lila says, "It's okay, we can talk about it later." I spend a few more moments fixing my make up. Finally we head back out to the table. We still have karaoke to go to later, and I am not going to let this ruin my night. As soon as Larry sees me, he rushes over and apologizes.

“I’m so sorry,” he sputters, “I was just trying to help. I really didn’t mean to upset you. I’m divorced too, you know. I walked in on my first wife with another man. So I understand. I do. I love my current wife Kendra, but I’d give anything to have not had to go through a divorce. So I understand what you’re going through.”

I hold in my cynical laugh and remind myself that suffering is suffering and you can’t compare it. Also, Larry has no idea what's actually going on. Flashing him the most brilliant smile I can muster I say, “It’s okay, let’s just move on.” For the most part, Larry obliges, but he does continue to tell me about his last marriage and why it didn’t work. Aside from that we enjoy the live music, the food, and drinks.

Finally, after about 9:30, Lila is on long island number 6. She enthusiastically shouts, “Let’s go to Pablo’s for karaoke!” We pay our tabs, pack up our things and hop in my car. In anticipation of a good night, Lila and I blast Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop all the way to the bar. As we pull into the lot, I notice Logan’s car isn’t there yet. I text him,

me: Hey, you coming to karaoke? :)

We go inside and get settled with drinks. Lila and I break it down to the DJ's rendition of "I like big butts". After we're done shakin' our thangs, I check my phone to see if Logan wrote back, but there is no response.