Telling Logan

“I’m divorcing Ben,” my voice cracks on the word divorcing. I side-eye Logan and watch the shock flicker across his face. After a moment of stunned silence he turns to me and says, “Oh my God. What happened?” I try to un-hunch my shoulders and glanced at my white knuckles on the steering wheel. I had offered to drive hoping it would keep my tears in check, but my vision was beginning to blur. 

I take a deep breath and smile to release the weight expanding in my chest. “It turns out, Ben is a woman trapped in a man’s body.” I’m still smiling, my cheeks hurt and my jaw is clenched, but my contorted grin does the trick and my almost tears ebb away. Logan’s warm hand finds its way to my shoulder as he says, “I’m so sorry Penelope, you don’t deserve this. How did you find out?” I brace myself as embarrassment washes over me, “He told me at the end of June. My knee jerk reaction was that I loved him for the person he was, and that we could make this work. Honestly I knew he was a cross dresser before we married, but I did my research. There are tons of happy couples where the husband dresses and is straight. It can be common in men who were molested as a child, Ben was. I had asked him if he felt like a woman before we married. He always said no.” I flick my turn signal on, and wait for the light to change. I know I’m rambling, but I’ve been holding this in for some time now. Logan squeezes my shoulder, silently encouraging me to go on.

“I really thought I could make it work. Then last week I was watching our wedding video with my mom and my cousin, Ali. As I come down the aisle Ben started crying, really, really hard. I remember thinking how sweet it was, and laughing at how cute he looked on that day, but watching the video was different. All I could think was, “Is he crying because he is trapped in this life he doesn’t want, but feels obligated to because of society and his parents?” Then I realized that it wasn’t working. I was just pretending this huge thing didn’t exist. That’s not acceptance, that’s not okay.”

We pull into the parking lot of Dunkin Donut’s and I slide into a space. Logan releases my shoulder and rubs the back of his neck. He looks at me and says, “Wow. I just really don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry.” I look down at my fingers for a moment and he says, “What? What is it?” I’m always surprised he can read me so well. Keeping my eyes down I say, “There’s more.” I pick at my cuticle and work around the lump in my throat. “In January, Ben and his friend Jake when to Yuki, you know that bar around the corner from our apartment. I had stopped by there after work to join them for a drink or two, but I left early because it was a school night. Ben and Jake came back late and brought two gay guys with them. I had met them earlier at the bar, and didn’t think anything of it. Ben was really drunk, like slurring his words, stumbling drunk. You know it’s hard to understand him with his Scottish accent, but even I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I walked in on him getting a blow job from one of the guys in the bathroom.” I swipe at my eyes to catch any tears that may be forming. 

After a moment, Logan says, “Look at me.” I tilt my face upward towards his firm gaze, and for a moment I let his eyes take me to the beaches in North Carolina where we used to take family trips. His eyes are steady, but their color reminds me of the ocean currents, drifting between a murky brown and sea green. 

“I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m shocked, but I completely understand why you want a divorce. I think you’re so strong, and I know I already said this but you deserve so much better. Just know, I’m here for you.” I give him a lopsided smile and say, “Thanks. Other than my mom you’re the first friend I’ve told. I’m just really trying to stay positive. I have to keep reminding myself it could be worse. It could be ten years down the road with kids, or it could’ve been a really happy marriage and he could’ve died. Honestly, his drinking was becoming an issue. There were several times this past year where if we were just dating I would have broken up with him. But I took vows.” Blinking rapidly I will my tears away, “Let’s not talk about it anymore today, I just want to enjoy our hike.” He nods as he says, “Say no more.” We head inside to place our order. With our iced coffee in hand we get back in the car, silent as we wind through the Connecticut countryside; heading towards my favorite hiking spot.