The Golden Couple

Do you ever have one of those weeks at work that feels like you’re sprinting a marathon every. single. day? Well that’s how my job has been since the start of this school year. I am in my second year of teaching high school in a specialized urban program. I can't tell you too much about the specifics, or I might give away my identity, but I have summer contracts on top of regular school year contracts, and our programs are intra-curricular meaning that we stay after school, a lot.  

This past summer our Program Coordinator left us for another general education position because the workload was too much for him. This is the man, or should I say control freak, who built this program for the past ten years and kept every single card close to his chest. I had a moment of temporary insanity this summer and applied for the position. Now, I am the coordinator in only my second year teaching. To put it in perspective, they wanted someone with five years teaching experience and an administrator certification. I have neither. I also am now the supervisor of three other teachers who all have 3 plus years of experience on me, and 1 secretary who is literally twice my age. My first day on the job my supervisor told me the last coordinator did everything on his own, and if I needed help he wouldn't be able to give it.

Lastly, I am teaching 3 new classes, and in addition to my lab space from last year (which doubles as one of our major fundraisers), I have taken on 3 new lab spaces that involve the care of living things. Don't get me wrong, I love this position, and I feel so blessed to have earned this opportunity. I knew it would be stressful going in, but I just can’t wait for the time when I don’t feel like I'm just treading water, sputtering around, trying not to drown.

Part of the reason I applied for this position was because I have wanted this from day one. The moment I walked through the doors I was hooked. I just thought I’d have  five years or so before the promotion became available. When I first heard our coordinator was leaving, I wasn't going to apply. Then I thought, why would I close the door on opportunity just because it opened a little earlier than I expected? The other reason is because of a quote that came to me in form of "inspiration of the day" at the restaurant where I waitressed this past summer. “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” It struck a deep chord within me, and ever since I read it, I have been trying my best to live on the other side.

Needless to say, after a hectic week I cherish my weekends and this Friday was no different. I am a self-proclaimed karaoke junkie who is not ready to accept help for my addiction. I go almost every week. Tonight I'm meeting my friend Lila at the Lake Bar at 7:00, and then we are going to head to over to a tiny Mexican restaurant/bar called Pablo’s for karaoke around 9:00. After perusing my closet for a few moments, I pull my favorite red plaid skater dress over my head, and do my best to ignore the fact that I had bought it with Ben in mind. I touch up my dark smokey eye, voluminous waves, and slide on a black belt and black lace heels. My outfit is my armor tonight, I'm hoping I've pulled off a tough yet sexy look. I give myself a final once over in the mirror taking in my dark hair, brown eyes and curvy 5’3’’ frame. Sighing, I can't but think of the twenty pounds I had gained this past year. As I turned to the side and tug at my dress, I glare at my image in the mirror and silently chide myself. I've been going to the gym and focusing on being healthy, it shouldn't be just about losing weight. I look good. Why would I bring myself down before the night even begins?

It's just after 7:00 as I walk into the Lake Bar. Never having been before, it took me a moment to find Lila. She wasn’t too hard to spot with her brilliant red hair and stunning green eyes. She looks beautiful in a simple black summer dress and black flip flops. Lila is one of the most loyal people I know, but she is also the craziest. Her wild nature is one of the best things about her. She was sitting at a table with her boyfriend Bobby and a group of people I didn't know. Bobby is a reserved whisper compared to Lila’s vibrant roar, definitely opposites in a way that mostly compliments each other, but sometimes ruptures them. Bobby’s parents, Larry and Kendra were there, plus some of their friends. 

Lila hangs out with an eclectic crowd; her friends a can be a little quirky. Spending time with Lila is truly like a box of chocolates. You never know if you're going to get an older crowd, a world wanderer, someone with blue hair, or her cooky, lovable family, but when I see her I know I am going to have a good time with interesting people.

As soon as I get to the table, Lila envelops me in a hug, quickly introduces me to Bobby’s parents and then whisks me away to get drinks. As we walk towards the bar I take in my surroundings. The place is beautiful, it’s literally on the lake (hence the name “the Lake Bar”), and all of the tables are on a wooden deck over the water with fairy lights strung all over the beams of the dark wood. The bar is under an overhang, and the decor feels like riding in a boat. Lila orders a long island, and I go for an Angry Orchard.

As the bartender busies himself making our drinks Lila turns to me and says, “Spill it.” I cringe and nervously tuck my hair behind my ear as she continues, “What is going on, I’ve seen some weird posts from Ben on Facebook lately.”

I sigh and say, “Okay, I have something to tell you,”

Lila’s eyes bug out of her head as she clutches my arm and blurts, “OH MY GOD YOU HAD SEX WITH LOGAN!”

“Oh my god!” I hiss, “Keep your voice down! You know I would never cheat on Ben! Logan and I are just friends.”

She has the grace to give me a sheepish smile and says, “I’m sorry." She slips the bartender her card, "What is it then?”

The bartender hands us our drinks and I take a long pull to buy myself some time. “Ben and I are getting divorced.” Lila’s mouth hangs open, I smile and gently close it with one finger before continuing, “He is transgender and he really feels like a she.” Her mouth immediately drops open again. She quickly pulls me to a more private table away from the others. I tell her all the nitty gritty details. By the time I finish her eyes are brimming with tears.

“I am just so angry and hurt for you. He should have told you sooner! He never should have married you!” She reaches across the table, gives my hand a squeeze and asks, “What are you going to do now? Where is he living? Are you going to move back home?”

“I’m just going to throw myself in this new position. I am going to stay in the apartment."

Lila quickly interrupts, "Can you afford it?" 

I sigh, "Things will be a little tight now, but I’ve paid all of the rent this past year anyway. I'll just take over the electric and internet, and cancel the cable. Plus, I don't really have a choice, we just re-signed the lease a couple of months ago. Ben certainly can't afford it on his own. He is trying to move out, but for now he is on the couch. It’s pretty awkward.”

“Wow.” Lila jams a cigarette into her mouth and struggles to light it for a moment. After a deep puff she says, “I just can’t believe it. I mean, I noticed things have been a little off for you two lately. When we went to New York, he wasn't up your butt as much as he usually is." Another puff, "I just can’t believe that fucker. I mean I used to wish I would find what you and Ben had.”

I plaster on a smile. Smiles are quickly becoming my first line of defense against the tears, “I know," I say as I shake my head. "We used to be the golden couple.”

Lila frowns, “How can you be SO CALM!? I am pissed at what he’s done to you! God, every moment you have is tarnished. How many times did he look at you in a dress and wish it were him? What the hell! Was he crying on your wedding day because he wished he was the one in a white dress? It’s just not fair. I just...I just feel so hurt for you.”

Now it’s my turn to reach across the table and take her hand, I don’t mention that her anger, her hurt has reverberated through me. Up until this point I have felt almost indifferent to him, but I’d never thought about him being envious of my wedding dress. I take another sip of my cider to collect my thoughts and say, “I’ve had more time to come to terms with it, and I think he just had a hard time coming to terms with who he is. It’s not like he did this to me. I was just a byproduct.”

Lila shakes her head vigorously, “That’s bullshit and you know it! He did it to you when he married you.” I look down at my cider and say nothing. I can’t. “Listen,” she says, “If you need anything, and I mean anything, let me know. Even if it’s just to get away, you can always sleep at my house. Now, lets try to get your mind off things and get you drunk!”

I laugh, and say, “Thanks, but I drove here, and I’m not sure alcohol is the best thing for me right now. Let's head back to our table.”

“Before we go, I have one more question,” she grinds her cigarette into the ashtray. “Do you like Logan? Does he like you? I wouldn’t blame you if you did want to start dating. In my eyes your marriage is completely over.”

I say, “That’s two questions,” but her questions pull me into to a conversation Logan and I had the other day on a hike.

Walking side by side, we come to a gap in the trees. Stopping for a moment, we take in the view of the river. I’m watching the sunlight filter through the leaves when Logan turns to me and says, “I am really glad we started hanging out. I feel like we just have this connection, like you understand me. I’ve really needed a friend lately, especially since Melanie and I broke up. I wish I could just stop loving her, but I can't. I really appreciate having you to talk to about it.”

I smile, “I feel the same way too.” Logan gives me a cheesy grin, I laugh and say, “What?”

“This is going to sound stupid, but,” He laughs to himself, “I heard something like this in a show I was watching the other day- It’s like we’ve met in all our past lives." He turns towards me, "Maybe that’s why we’re so comfortable with each other in this one.”

Lila huffs, and I snap back to the present, “Okay, okay!” I say, “We have a connection. I like him, and I think he might like me, but we’re happy being friends. It’s too soon for me, and he is still in love with Melanie. It’s just not the right timing, and I’m really happy being friends with him.”

She gives me a mischievous grin and says, “Alright, let’s head back towards everyone else.” I don’t like her smile so I give her a warning look, as I get up from the table.

When we get back to the main group, everyone is laughing and joking. It’s nice to be immersed in such a positive atmosphere. Casually, Lauren mentions an anecdote from our recent trip to New York.

Taking a sip of her third Long Island as she says, “Bobby, Penelope, Penny’s husband, and I all went to New York city last month. We’re sitting in this booth at a restaurant and all of a sudden Penelope turns her head to the corner of the booth and mutters, ‘I hope my mash potatoes are good.’ We were dying.”

Everyone laughs and Bobby adds, “Almost every time we go out to dinner we talk about mash potatoes to the corner!” Everyone snickers, except for Larry. For some reason, Larry has locked eyes with me.

“You’re married?” He asks, I fidget and nod my head. “You just look so young.”

Lila’s head snaps in my direction. I can see her worry from the corner of my eye. I smile uncomfortably and  say, “Yeah, I'm 26.”

I think he’s going to let it go, but he just keeps asking questions about Ben. “What does he do for a living? How long have you been married? Do you have your own place? What did you do for your anniversary?”

I patiently answer his questions. I'm hoping if I don't draw attention to my discomfort his weird curiosity will be satisfied and he'll quit his inquisition. Finally, I just can’t anymore. I politely say, “I'm sorry, but we are actually separated. I’d really rather not talk about him anymore.”

I start to turn towards Lila, thinking that would be the end of the conversation, but Larry says, “After only a year? Do you love him? Does he still love you?”

I begin smiling so hard my cheeks are going numb, “Yes, but there is no going back for us. Sometimes that’s just not enough.”

"How long were you together?"

I frown, "Four years."

"That's a long time to give up." He's giving me an intense stare, and I'm starting to feel warm.

"Sometimes it's just better to end things."

His leathery skin crinkles at the eyes as he says, “You can’t mean that!” He leans forward with his hands folded in front of him. I stay silent, he takes that as his cue to continue. “Where did you go for your honeymoon?”

I squint and say, “Vegas.”

“Okay,” he leans slightly further towards me, “Who chose it?”

“Him.”

“Did he enjoy it?”

I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. MAYBE HE WAS JUST WITH ME TO GET A GREEN CARD. MAYBE HE DID BECAUSE HE COULD DRINK FOR FREE AT THE TABLES. MAYBE HE FAKED IT THE WHOLE TIME. MAYBE IT WAS THE BEST WEEK OF HIS LIFE, BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER NOW?” Instead I murmur, “He seemed to. I really can’t talk about this anymore.” My eyes are burning.

“Of course he did, do you know why?” Larry is giving me a warm smile, like he’s solved it, “He was with you.”

I burst into tears. My face is hot with embarrassment. I hate crying in front of anyone except for my mom, and ironically Ben, and now here I am in front of a packed restaurant snot-nosed bawling. I get up from the table and rush to the bathroom. I feel like everyone is staring as I navigate through the crowd. Finally I make it to the bathroom. Thank god there is no one in there. I let out three to four sobs, and then start pulling myself together. Breathe in. Breathe out. in. out. Lila walks in as I am frantically breathing and splashing water on my face. She starts rubbing my back and, says, “I am so sorry. I didn’t even think about mentioning Ben. Larry means well, he really does. Sometimes he does that to me too. He thinks he’s helping, but he just doesn’t know when to quit.”

My racking sobs have turned into muted sniffles and I am clearing the running make up off of my face. I say, “It’s okay, I know he meant well. I thought I could keep it together. It's just...” I sigh frustrated, I do not want to start crying again. 

Lila says, "It's okay, we can talk about it later." I spend a few more moments fixing my make up. Finally we head back out to the table. We still have karaoke to go to later, and I am not going to let this ruin my night. As soon as Larry sees me, he rushes over and apologizes.

“I’m so sorry,” he sputters, “I was just trying to help. I really didn’t mean to upset you. I’m divorced too, you know. I walked in on my first wife with another man. So I understand. I do. I love my current wife Kendra, but I’d give anything to have not had to go through a divorce. So I understand what you’re going through.”

I hold in my cynical laugh and remind myself that suffering is suffering and you can’t compare it. Also, Larry has no idea what's actually going on. Flashing him the most brilliant smile I can muster I say, “It’s okay, let’s just move on.” For the most part, Larry obliges, but he does continue to tell me about his last marriage and why it didn’t work. Aside from that we enjoy the live music, the food, and drinks.

Finally, after about 9:30, Lila is on long island number 6. She enthusiastically shouts, “Let’s go to Pablo’s for karaoke!” We pay our tabs, pack up our things and hop in my car. In anticipation of a good night, Lila and I blast Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop all the way to the bar. As we pull into the lot, I notice Logan’s car isn’t there yet. I text him,

me: Hey, you coming to karaoke? :)

We go inside and get settled with drinks. Lila and I break it down to the DJ's rendition of "I like big butts". After we're done shakin' our thangs, I check my phone to see if Logan wrote back, but there is no response.